Depression and suicide

Fact is you've gone and lost the income stream for around 6 months. And your transport for at least 3 months.

Strange thing is the Doctor will give you a two week medical certificate once you leave the hospital. So here I am standing outside the hospital with a 20 cm scar on my skull, and can walk and talk and am the proud owner of a two week medical certificate.

Now for the bad news, I don't know it yet but my memory and attention span are shot to bits. I can't ride a bike as my leg won't lift over the bar, and I can't drive, incase it happens again; as to get out of the hospital I had to sign a statement that declared I shalt not drive until medically cleared in 3 to 12 months. So I can't get around and can't earn money till I get on top of this. But I have no idea as yet, and assume I will be back at work within a fortnight.

Boy was I wrong. Then I meet these WINZ people, and find out I am to survive on $180 odd bucks an week, and there is a stand down like I quit my job, a 13 WEEK STANDOWN. Now I am on the dole which will not kick in until my medical certificate is expired. But I'll be back to work by then, aye. So I won't degrade myself and sign up. I will get better. Two weeks - no problem! I haven't worked out I can't get to the doctors or the WINZ office without transport. I can't buy groceries as I can't pay the bills as I have no income. Mmh. Conundrum indeed.

Then Everyone is either praying for you or telling you how lucky you are. It's now dawned on me this ain't happening in two weeks, and the bills are stacking up, I have cancelled all direct debits but the fees and interest rates of the mortgage on hold are escalating. Sure I may have to sell my house and rent. Nope forget owning pets when renting, it all seems ridiculous now but it's seriously heavy shit to deal with. No income and a mortgage. No pets to cuddle. Living alone and isolated as never before.

Your speech takes a nose dive when your tired and stressed, and it turns out these are two of the things you can still do very well; be tired and stressed. This will still be the case many months later. Don't go and take a tellie marketing job to keep the wolves from the door - it will not help but will remind you of you continuous limitations.

You need physical contact, you need emotional support and you need to know your future isn't' as gone as you suspect it maybe. You need progress reports on your improvements and you need solutions to what seems to you to be insurmountable problems.

Rehab doesn't kick in for another month, oops I had a stroke over Christmas - silly me.

Isolated, mood swings and challenges that seem way to huge to face.

Do not leave anyone on this slope, keep in touch and call in. She's a slippery slope and you can't say you haven't been forewarned. Not me, but there is a huge black bleak pit around week 4. Through to around week 21.

Phewf!

I have decided to shrug off all the weekly bills, as I have no hope of paying them so will not do this to myself - it's not giving up it's getting realistic with the bills. I'm selling the house and will live much simpler - no I can't go and get a puppy.

No I can't grow a garden. No I can't pay the bills, yes I can travel, meander and smell the flowers. Lets' do what we can do for awhile.